It really drives me nuts that I can know something intellectually, but it’s not until I can get it to sink deep enough in my subconscious or whatever to _feel_ it that things change. A lot of outside circumstances have really impressed on the importance of being self-sufficient. I’m taking all those Sunday-School lessons and reapplying them. I need to be able to make myself happy. And I am.

I’ve seen how it’s possible to live my own life and make myself happy and incorporate someone else into that life, free to live their own life as well.  I don’t need the validation or permission of a man to go out and make my life happen.  I’ve stopped waiting around.  I’ve always hated the idea that women just “wait around to get married.”

Once a friend asked what I was up to, and if I was just waiting around to get married.  I was so mortified and offend by that idea, but the truth was… that’s what I was doing!!  (squirming self-loathing and disgust)  Or, it’s much easier to support someone else in their career ambitions.  The risks seem somehow displaced, so that faith is easier to have in him than in myself.  I’m finally taking the risks I wish I had taken when I was younger.  Well, I did, but they were always somewhat half-hearted, because I never really believed that I would allowed to have a career.  I’d meet that special someone and start a family with my career being a hobby, and not something that actually meant much of anything.  Where did I get these ideas?

I am currently living as much as possible.  And, loving it.

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